The Fall

grieving death after cancer

It’s a strange thing that Carey died on Thanksgiving because reminders and anticipation of this holiday start popping up weeks in advance.  It forces me to start facing a day that I would rather not face.  The colors, smells, and familiar fall surroundings have stirred up memories that were stored away, not purposefully, but in a protective fashion I would guess.  

Some of these memories, however, bring a deep sense of gratitude – appropriately timed for the season of thankfulness.  I’m thankful for all the people, strangers even, who walked our family through the darkest valley.  I’m thankful for the friends and family who took care of Eli and Carver so I could stay with Carey day and night during his final days. For my dad who left his hunting trip to rush here and stayed with me nearly every night in Carey’s room, sleeping in one of those terribly uncomfortable hospital recliners. For my sister and mom who got on the first flight possible from California and took care of us non-stop, missing work and their own families.  For Carey’s parents and brother who even in the midst of their own grief helped take care of the boys and checked in with me often to make sure we were all as comfortable as possible.  For the incredible hospice nurses and volunteers who I’m pretty sure are actually angels on this earth.  For my friend Shelly who understood the magical comfort of a Starbucks latte and a tight hug. For the many, MANY other dear friends and church family who visited, shared stories, brought meals, prayed with us, cried with us, and stayed faithfully by our side – some even sacrificing precious family time on Thanksgiving day for the final goodbye.  I’m thankful for the friends who so graciously helped with the painful process of planning a funeral - and for those who made it happen so beautifully.  For all the people who came from near and far to celebrate Carey’s life.  For the people who held us in their prayers from a distance, and for the many who sent cards and generous gifts in the days and weeks to follow.  I am incredibly thankful for each of you.  

You are ALL God’s gift.  

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.   

This past year has held immense grief, but it's also held great joy.  At times these two war within and that has been a significant battle, but God is ruler of both.  His peace is beyond my understanding. But this peace grants joy permission to abide within a weary heart.  His eternal grace plants a seed of hope. 

I’m sure this life is profound, but I’m just not convinced we’re as important as we may tend to think.  I know that’s an oddly negative way to end this post, but we come and we go in the blink of an eye.  Our significance can really only be found in that we were somehow gifted grace through the blood of Jesus, and there is an eternity with Him in the waiting for those who believe.  

If you are hurting, if you are grieving, if you are confused, or tired, or fearful – cry out to God.  Talk to him, scream at him, weep with him, confess to him.  His grace is strong enough to handle it all.  

He is love.

He wants you any way you need to come to him, and he will hold you. 

So above all, I am thankful that God continues to hold me each and every day.  I’m learning to be still and loosen my grip on the reigns of control.  He’s present and He’s faithful.  ‘All will be made well once again.' *

I hope you enjoy this beautiful season of thankfulness with your loved ones.  

* lyrics from the song Morning Light by Josh Garrels – check it out

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